I don't know about you, but I have a committee in my head.  They sit at a long table with big chairs, arms folded with elbows resting on the table, they lean forward, and they all begin to speak to me sometimes taking turns, sometimes shouting in a hulabaloo-like fashion.

"Did you see that?  Did you see what she did? As if... Who does she think she is?  Go give her a piece of your mind."

"C'moooon...You know he thinks you're sexy.  Just bend over in front him; let him see your best side .  It doesn't matter if your mother didn't raise you to be that way."

"Oh wow.  So you think you can do that? ha-ha-ha-ha-ha..." Much snorting and guffawing is heard.

"You are so," (fill in the blank) "noodle-brained - you can't figure out the simplest things; fat- you must have a flat stomach before a man will love you; incapable - failure is your friend; ugly - look at how bad you break out when Aunt Flo comes to visit.

And so my brain feels like it's on a ceaseless merry-go-round and sometimes the only way to make them stop is to take a flying leap off the edge and pray there is soft sand to break my fall and not gravel.  Other times, I face them dead on and scream, "Will everybody please sit down and shut the hell up!"  Sometimes, I turn on some really raucous music, A.C.D.C. or perhaps Nickelback, and lay on the floor on my back in a prone position with a beer in hand.  I close my eyes and I slip into a world of loud rock music.  It is actually relaxing because it blocks out the din of the committee.

I have learned this much.  I have to actively combat them and regularly put them in their place.  For every negative thought they throw my way I have to shake it off and replace it with a positive.  On days when they pull out the heavy armament, I have to batten down the hatches and call on the only thing I know can help me, my biggest weapon of all...prayer.  "Lord, please help me.  I can't shut them up today.  I just can't do it, and I need your help."

However, lately it seems I am in a pretty good maintenance mode. I have them all properly seated in their place, mouths closed, elbows off the table.  They have reduced in numbers as well because I have fired a few and kicked their lazy, non-do-gooder asses out the door.  So, there aren't as many.  And I've learned another interesting trick for dealing with them by breaking their most sacred rule - sharing what they say to me and exposing them to the light.  They are like Mogwai in that respect and really don't like the light, it hurts their cause - to ruin me and make me stumble and fall down.

I talk about what's bothering me, what I'm afraid of.  I talk about why I'm angry and ask myself, what expectation was not meant that's fueling my fear?  I journal and  I read my bible and ask, how does this apply to me today?  The bible is full of advice on how to deal with the committee.  Then, I share what I've learned.  When I talk about what frightens me I put it in perspective and the people I share with offer me comfort then say, "You will work it out!" or some other positive thing.  They help me to shut them up.

So, committee, I address you directly and I say:  Sit down and shut the hell up; you're fired!  And if you don't behave, well, you know what I'm capable of.  Don't mess with me or I will kick your puny, powerless ass.

Molly Ann

I've been thinking about my thoughts lately.  Strange?  Perhaps - but worth the time it takes to scrutinize them.  I am, after about 40 years, coming to grips with the fact that my thoughts are really responsible for so much in my life:  happiness, sadness, depression, success, failure, sabotage, fear, anxiety, determination, and spirituality among many other things.

I have been in the habit of thinking about whatever pops into my head and then just letting it whirl around in my brain often times like a destructive tornado.  It has been the cause of much anger and so many blow ups between me and those I love.  But, truly I say to you, we can choose our thoughts and in so doing, better manage our feelings and our attitude.

I don't want to ramble around anymore being victimized by what I think.  So now that I've defined what I don't want, I should clarify what I do want.  Clear thinking and decision making.  Making choices logically and rationally while taking into account the emotions attached to them.  Emotions are there.  We do have them.  All of us.  But, what's the point in letting them have complete control over how we choose, how I choose, to live my life? 

I wish I was like Spock, half human, half Vulcan.  Mostly, his rational side won out, but when it was necessary, his all too human side would creep up on him.  There was no logical reason for him to remain in Star Fleet when he could have been off doing so many other great and challenging things.  But one of the things that kept him there was his sense of loyalty to, and on a deeper level love for, his friend James T. Kirk.

Not much ruffled his feathers.  Others people's bad moods didn't affect him.  He never took anything, now matter how rotten someone was being to him, personally.  His thoughts were well organized, efficient, and well directed.  He was not selfish and had an uncanny knack for observing human behavior in his personal relations in a detached, matter of fact way yet, he was loyal to and watched out for those he loved even the over emotional, feeling driven Dr. McCoy.

He made smart choices after discernment and almost always chose the logical route, save for those few instances where his loyalty and love sneaked to the surface to win the day.  He strikes me as a model of what I want to achieve. Yes, yes, I wish to be more Spock-like with my thoughts.  I want to choose what I think and discard what I don't need.  I want my brain to be more ordered and efficient.  I don't have to attain great levels of happiness all the time.  Spock didn't and he was just fine with that.  However; a more neutral outlook on emotional events, that ability to step back and logically ascertain without taking things so personally, now that's worth shooting for.  Spock had a certain inner peace about the way he lived his life and emotion played only a small part - I want that!

Lately, I've been pondering the concept of what I don't want verses what I do want.  This applies to so much:  What I want/don't want at the grocery store, what I want/don't want in a relationship, what I want/don't want in a career,  what I want/don't want in the brand of T.P. I buy...ad infinitum.   In reading a book about Law of Attraction by Losier (a Canadian author) I discovered a few important things about defining what I don't want so I can focus on what I do want.

Contrast is important.  Sometimes we can't know what it is we want.  The mind is too muddled and in a flurry, and riddled with angst.  So, Losier recommends you choose your situation (career, relationship, money, vacation...whatever) and write a list of 50 to 100 things you don't want with regards to your particular situation.  So I did this.  Damn if it wasn't easy.  It's like having a bitch-fest with yourself.  I put pen to paper and let her fly.  I don't want this.  I don't want that.  Man, all these things really suck. Blah, blah, blahbitty, blah.

Then for every item I wrote that I didn't want, I had to write a contrasting want.  The theory, in my mind is two-fold:  1) We spend so much time focusing on what we don't want that we ultimately create that.  2) You identify what you don't want, then eliminate it, what's left is what you do want.  There is no way to spend your time focused on what you don't want and expect that you will be able to escape it.  "I don't want this job, I don't want to be here, I don't like this job."  How often have I said these things and found myself still stuck where I don't want to be?  Too many. " I don't want to be alone.  Being lonely sucks.  It's Friday night and I don't want to be sitting at home watching TV."  I was single for a long time before my first marriage, this was a common conversation in my head.  So, what I ended up with was a string of Friday nights with no date.

So instead of blaming myself for my stinking thinking, the author recommended that I start doing some mental acrobatics.  For every don't want I uttered or thought I was to immediately name the exact opposite - what I DO WANT!  What a concept.  So I began this mental process and low and behold I found out that I spent and incredible amount of time throughout the day focusing on what I did not want. Wow!  No wonder I've been so stuck. I've been mired in a quick sand of don't wants and sinking fast.

So, lets get down to brass tacks:  Do I have my dream job, pretty little one-bedroom apartment, Subaru Outback (I've always "wanted" one), and Mr. Right For Me? No.  At least not yet.  These things take time.  I have been so ensconced in what I don't want that it will take some time to turn this big ol' barge around.  I just need to persist with dogged determination.  Years of thinking a certain way takes time to manifest the changes one seeks.  It's like a person who has gained, let's say 100- pounds.  They begin to exercise and eat right.  A month later they have lost only a couple of pounds and don't see any difference.  Defeated, they give up.  Well...it took time to gain the weight.  I doesn't happen over night.  So...it will take time to lose the weight.  And it will be so gradual that you may not notice for a while.  Certainly, two-pounds isn't noticeable in this scenario, but eventually you go to put on your pants and realize they are too big and you need a belt.  Ahhhh...success in small doses.

I'm on a mental weight loss program.  I am in the process of losing all that heavy don't want that I have over eaten for the last many odd years.  Eventually my mental muscles will get stronger as I continue to work them out and my don't want will slim way down making room for the new, improved Molly who is a gal who knows what she wants!

Molly Ann