I need to figure some things out. I'm at a cross roads. Only thing is, I'm not sure exactly where I am. I am, and I am not, at a cross roads. You see, when you are at a cross roads, you have to decide, left, right, or stay the course. But first, you have to be able to get to the cross roads. I am meandering along a seemingly endless route 66 across the country of my life. So how do I decide these things when I don't know where I am. Getting married again - Yes? No? Who cares. I care. No I don't. I'd be fine on my own. I know I don't want to be alone. Being by myself means I am master of my own castle. Why would I subject myself to someone else's needs and desires when clearly it involves the a partial death to the values, and ideologies I hold so dear, that make me innately who I am? Yet...continuing myself in someone else's consciousness - what a lovely idea!Live here? Live there? When, where and why? Out of country? In country? Some place where the weather's always nice? Ireland. Mmmmmm...Ireland. Calling to me as if I've been there and as if I will always need to be there, as if I am there already.
Career: pretty well set. I have chosen a track that I like. It may not be perfect, but it suits me, and I believe in my choice. I could have chosen differently and I would have believed in that too, because I've come to decide that's it's ok to believe in me. One decision down, many, many more to go. I know, that no matter the choice, God will turn my brass making attempts into gold and diamonds.
Another thing I am sure of: I am done being the hero child. I plan on not only rocking the boat, but perhaps sinking it into the waters of baptism only to be reborn.
Honestly, I am sick to death of being so freaking concerned with other people's feelings and opinions of me. I'm really not sure who I am more angry at, me, you, or you, or you.... or me, for trying to get the ambiguous "you" to just love ME. You have never really loved ME. You had fleeting moments of pride where I am concerned, but that is all. You are and were incapable of the depth of emotion for someone in your position. What a shame.
I just want to be me, the me that God needs me to be: Alone, married, child, no child, mother to thousands, daughter to none, proud daughter to others, friend, fiercely independent, yet reliant on the love of a few and totally reliant on and in love with Christ.
Yes, I have decisions to make, yet, I'm not sure entirely what they are. My crossroads is covered with a murky haze. Are there two paths to choose from, three, four, thousands, parallel universes, infinite choices, or one clear path?
What the hell do I do now because I know for sure the status quo is no longer ok. I have got to make a turn and veer off in a new direction. So, that eliminates going forward, and now my choices are to turn left, turn right, dig down deep into the mother earth or...SOAR WITH THE EAGLES.
Career: pretty well set. I have chosen a track that I like. It may not be perfect, but it suits me, and I believe in my choice. I could have chosen differently and I would have believed in that too, because I've come to decide that's it's ok to believe in me. One decision down, many, many more to go. I know, that no matter the choice, God will turn my brass making attempts into gold and diamonds.
Another thing I am sure of: I am done being the hero child. I plan on not only rocking the boat, but perhaps sinking it into the waters of baptism only to be reborn.
Honestly, I am sick to death of being so freaking concerned with other people's feelings and opinions of me. I'm really not sure who I am more angry at, me, you, or you, or you.... or me, for trying to get the ambiguous "you" to just love ME. You have never really loved ME. You had fleeting moments of pride where I am concerned, but that is all. You are and were incapable of the depth of emotion for someone in your position. What a shame.
I just want to be me, the me that God needs me to be: Alone, married, child, no child, mother to thousands, daughter to none, proud daughter to others, friend, fiercely independent, yet reliant on the love of a few and totally reliant on and in love with Christ.
Yes, I have decisions to make, yet, I'm not sure entirely what they are. My crossroads is covered with a murky haze. Are there two paths to choose from, three, four, thousands, parallel universes, infinite choices, or one clear path?
What the hell do I do now because I know for sure the status quo is no longer ok. I have got to make a turn and veer off in a new direction. So, that eliminates going forward, and now my choices are to turn left, turn right, dig down deep into the mother earth or...SOAR WITH THE EAGLES.
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