I've always loved that melody sung by Jiminy Cricket in "Pinnocchio."  "When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are.Anything your heart desires will come to you." Most people know the tune even if they don't know the words.  But a part of me has always snorted and sneered when people say, "Dreams do come true."  Like Melody Griffith when she won the Oscar for best supporting actress.  Man did I roll my eyes. But something about that song lulls me into thinking, "Wellll...maybe..."  Although, I think it has more to do with God and less to do with stars, however; stars evoke a heaven-like imagery and perhaps that's what the song writer was getting at.

Repeated heart ache over a period of many years, repeated attempts and failures at any and every thing, repeated loss, repeated disappointment, being stuck in some sort of strange cyclical behavior but being unable to see it or resolve it no matter how hard I tried... all this left me in a pretty negative place.  I began to believe that dreams were a silly waist of time.  They didn't come true.  Not for me.  For everyone else?  Sure!  Then comes the green monster:  jealousy.  "Your life is so much better, easier, nicer than mine.  Why do I have it so hard?"

But here's the juxtaposition:  If you believe that dreams can and do come true for others; if you see it happen for them whether you feel jealous of them or happy for them, then you must believe it can happen for you too.  It's like saying, I believe in God but not the devil.  Can't really have one without the other.  Now, how you understand God and the devil, good and evil, that's colored by your life experiences and beliefs.  But the overall point is this:  It is not possible to believe that dreams come true for others without believing it for yourself.  We are ALL connected whether or not we are aware of it because we are ALL God's kids.

There are many things in life that seem tandem and coincidental and there are things that seem to have some sort of purpose to them.  Some people believe that there is a purpose or plan to everything.  I don't. I have never subscribed to a predestination philosophy.  And God never plans for cruel and hateful things to happen as some sort of life lesson.  So that "God has a reason for everything" hoo-ha is a bunch of malarkey, to me anyway.

My faith leads me to think more along these lines:  Whether things seem cruel and unfair, whether it seems like happenstance or like it was meant to be, and whether it seems that life is full of blessings and grace, the Holy Spirit is there through all of it.  God walks with us through all the disappointments and when we are sad and miserable He does not revel in our pain nor does He plan it.

As my marriage was ending, I was lead down a clear path because I chose to turn to God in my hour of need rather than shutting him out in anger and resentment.  You see, I'd tried that in the past and it only made things worse.  Been there.  Done that.  Time for a new strategy.

I just kept asking God, "What's next?"  Then I'd do what was next whether or not it seemed logical to me. I sometimes did it while shouting at Him and pitching a crying temper tantrum, but I did it with my faith intact.  God, I think, expects us to behave like brats sometimes.  And when God said "Wait," I did so, (though not without griping!)

And a funny thing happened on the way to learning to trust God through all the muck.  My dreams came true.  When you fall back on your faith to sustain you in your worst hour, you will find that it will raise you up.  And as you raise up to God's loving arms and reach out to Him in your pain, you will begin to see that your view is altered and you begin to see the whole picture from HIS vantage point.  Then you see possibility for healing.  Then you see possibilities for your life.  Then you are able to choose better.  Then the path gets a little easier to walk because God's got you by the hand in case you stumble.  And eventually...dreams do come true.

"It is in the quiet crucible of your personal, private sufferings that your noblest dreams are born and God's greatest gifts are given in compensation for what you've been through." Wintley Phipps

There has been so much loss and pain.  My marriage and the four miscarriages I had while married, were a dark, dark time in my life.  It seemed that we, (Ex-Man and me) were either totally devoted and in love, or completely hated each other and were ripping each other apart.

Through grief counseling for me, I tried to work on myself and we tried to work on us in marriage counseling, but no amount of counseling could turn him back from the path of infidelity he had already chosen although I did not know it until 2-weeks after he walked out.

And when he left, I was desolate.  I had lost everything save one person:  God.  Now this may sound like what you expected me to say.  It may sound trite.  Some of you may roll your eyes and some of you may deeply, truly understand.  And not only that, you may relate.

When Ex-Man left, I had the clothes in my car and a few personal belongings, my dog, my beat up jalopy I called a car and a bit of money in the bank (less than $1000.)  All my stuff was in storage.  I had quit my job to relocate to be with him where he was living in another state so I was jobless.  I no longer had easy access to my step sons who I had nurtured, loved and cared for.  I had no home because I was supposed to be going to OUR new home in "New State."

My life had been utterly destroyed.  As I drove down the road to my mom's home, (she had texted me and said, "come to us.") I cried.  I felt so desolate.  But I was tingly too, alive with the love and fever of the Holy Spirit.  God's presence was palpable.  He held my hand and said, "I am so sorry.  So sorry.  I love you and I am here."  I said, "Thanks.  I'm glad you're here."  God's love came flooding into that empty, gaping hole this man had left in the center of my chest.  I was not alone after all.

Throughout the months that followed, I continued in a state of confusion, chaos, and sadness.  But God, was ever by my side saying, "I got you.  I'm here."  And I said, "I know and I trust you.  No matter how things seem to appear, I trust you."  It was the first time in a trial by fire that I kept my faith and believed that God would keep me from getting scorched.

Almost a year later I'm in my  own place, school is starting on August 29th for me (fully paid), and I will have income coming in so I don't have to work. And when all is said and done I will have an amazing career and a master's degree.   A beautiful man has come into my life.  Kind people have loved and cared for me along the way.  Strong people have helped me and fought for me.  I am on a path of success and in awe of all my many blessings.  I see that a life, a good life is possible and it took one simple act of faith; knowing that God was not happy in my misery; knowing that God wanted my every happiness.

I just kept asking God, "What's next?" and then I would wait for the answer.  And although I didn't always like the answer, I followed obediently and found myself in the middle of more joy and success than I ever thought possible for me.

No, I did not lose everything September 15, 2011 - I found God and clung to Him with my last ounce of strength, and boy am I glad that I did!